robust yet refreshingly cynical

10 Creatively Gruesome ways to Die

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1 – If you’re a sword swallower, talented deep-throater or carnival side-show – swallow an Umbrella

2 – Have sex with vegetables, tear the wall of your innards and have oxygen flow through your arteries and into your heart

3 – Getting killed by a Vending Machine; (damn I’m lucky to be alive) – Fighting with a vending machine has caused several deaths. The machines weigh between 600-1000 lbs., are TOP HEAVY and you only need to tilt it 20% to make it fall over.

4 – Hyponatremia – Drinking an excessive amount of water can cause your sodium levels to drop to fatal amount resulting in an excruciating death

5 – Falling into a meat grinder and getting your legs stuck, slowly bleeding and grinding to death over a weeks time while flies lay maggots into your skin.

6 – Scaphism, also known as the boats, was an ancient Persian method of execution designed to inflict torturous death. The name comes from the Greek word skaphe, meaning “scooped (or hollowed) out”.

The naked person was firmly fastened within a back-to-back pair of narrow rowing boats (or a hollowed-out tree trunk), with the head, hands, and feet protruding. The condemned was forced to ingest milk and honey to the point of developing severe diarrhea, and more honey would be rubbed on his body in order to attract insects to the exposed appendages. He or she would then be left to float on a stagnant pond or be exposed to the sun. The defenseless individual’s feces accumulated within the container, attracting more insects, which would eat and breed within his or her exposed and increasingly gangrenous flesh. The feeding would be repeated each day in some cases to prolong the torture, so that dehydration or starvation did not provide him or her with the release of death. Death, when it eventually occurred, was probably due to a combination of dehydration, starvation and septic shock. Delirium would typically set in after a few days.

7 – The Brazen Bull, The brazen bull, bronze bull, or the Sicilian bull is a torture and execution device designed in ancient Greece. Perillos of Athens, a brass-founder, proposed to Phalaris, the tyrant of Akragas, Sicily, the invention of a new means for executing criminals.

Accordingly, he cast a bull, made entirely of brass, hollow, with a door in the side. The condemned were shut in the bull and a fire was set under it, heating the metal until it became yellow hot and causing the person inside to roast to death.

8 – Getting Stabbed in the Face by a Blue Marlin:
You’re in Florida, it’s sunny and 90º, and you just hooked a huge blue marlin on your fishing trip. You fight the fish for an hour, it’s gigantic, you have it right next to the boat and you’re about to catch it. You’re gonna stuff the son of a bitch and put it above your fireplace, your life is pretty sweet. Bam!!! The fish launches out of the water with a ferocious leap and stabs you right in the dome! You die.

9 – Death by Chocolate or.. Falling into a vat of hot chocolate – Vincent Smith II, 29, was dumping raw chocolate into the vat for melting when he fell in from a nine-foot high platform. He suffered a fatal blow to the head from the vat’s agitator, a paddle-like mechanism used for stirring the chocolate.

10 – Death from eating Nails .. a condition called pica, an eating disorder defined as the “persistent eating of non-nutritive substances”

Obviously the ingestion of nails can cause internal organs to rupture and cause internal bleeding and infection. This has been a reported problem for people with mental problems and mineral deficiencies including pregnancy.

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